Post your best Chuck Norris jokes here...

[doylfish]

I'll start...

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, now they're just Islands

[morbidgorilla]

Chuck Norris dosent sleep...He waits

[Robk0000]

When chuck norris came outa his momma he hit the ground The earth became enulfed with Fire, Thus know as the extiction of Dinosaurs.

[ValuePack]

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.


Yanked from: http://www.duck****.com/chuck-norris-jokes/

[unsakred]

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

[Robk0000]

Red Bull, LOL thats why that **** tastes so bad.

[doylfish]

chuck norris doesn't have any hair on his testicles...cause hair doesn't grow on steel

[ValuePack]

Red Bull, LOL thats why that **** tastes so bad.

But oh so good with vodka after a few slugs.

[doylfish]

...better with jager

[ValuePack]

...better with jager
I don't think I'd survive.

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

[Robk0000]

i dont get it.

[Robk0000]

when chuck norris falls into water, chuck norris doesnt get wet, the water gets chuck norris.

[ValuePack]

"To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong."

We should print up some "Live Norris" bracelets(filled with the blood of the unbelievers) to replace all the pansy yellow "Live Strong" bracelets.

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

[Robk0000]

I think the oil erection one wins all, that was funny.

[Robk0000]

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Ive been thinking about this one for almost 1 hour now, Please explain its driving me crazy.~shocked~

[ValuePack]

Ive been thinking about this one for almost 1 hour now, Please explain its driving me crazy.~shocked~
April 1st. April Fools Day. Geddit?

[ValuePack]

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

[ValuePack]

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle

[ValuePack]

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle

and I bet if he then ate said wheelying unicycle, he could crap a Hyundai.

[unsakred]

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

[morbidgorilla]

Chuck norris doesn't do push-ups he pushes the world down

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

[Nate8409]

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.


The best ones.

[Nate8409]

Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck�s tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris counted to infinity--twice

[Nate8409]

Chuck Norries can lead a horse to water And make it drink

Chuck Norris beat The Sun in a staring contest.

Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

[ValuePack]

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

[Iheartsubarus]

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

[doylfish]

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

[Robk0000]

This is going to far...they are not funny but SO amazingly Stupid I have to laugh

[doylfish]

...that's the whole point lol...

[doylfish]

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

[Nate8409]

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

This one is hilarious.

[morbidgorilla]

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

And Here I tought it was the 1986 chicago Bears

[doylfish]

yeah, being a huge pats fan and all, i hate to admit that it was shula's gang, but at least we have the all time longest wins record!!

~football~

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

[TJhnd]

Go PATS!

[doylfish]

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.

[morbidgorilla]

Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants

[doylfish]

that was a good one

[morbidgorilla]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

[unsakred]

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has more testicles" contest. Chuck won by 3.

[doylfish]

When he was nine, Chuck Norris dressed as himself to go trick-or-treating. He came home with a bag full of candy, a bag full of miniature liquor bottles, an Irish Setter, and two underage prostitutes carrying more of his candy

[morbidgorilla]

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris’ penis is only 2 inches . . . . . from the ground

[morbidgorilla]

Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris’ action figure has slept with more women than most men

[Skidder]

You guys missed my favorite one

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Indian... not because of ancestry or anything, but because the man ate a ****ing indian

[doylfish]

that's what the thread is here for, keep bringing 'em out, liked that one skidder, nice job man

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris was the hunter who shot Bambi’s Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children’s hospital.

[doylfish]

time to revive this....

If while sitting at work you look beside you, behind you, or in front of you, Chuck Norris had sex with that guy's mom

[Skidder]

Chuck Norris tears can cure cancer.. but he never crys... EVER!

Chuck Norris can clog toilets with urine.

[morbidgorilla]

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus

[doylfish]

When Chuck Norris comes in from an all night drinking party, he doesn’t throw up. He throws down.

[morbidgorilla]

The gas prices do not effect Chuck Norris in any way, his car runs on pride.

[Skidder]

I thought his car was fueled by roundhouse kicks!?!?

[morbidgorilla]

what like a hamster wheel....tch. I dont see that as possable......but then again it IS chuck norris.....maybe its pride in his roundhouse kicks?

[doylfish]

The gas prices do not effect Chuck Norris in any way, his car runs on pride.


pride fuel? anyone have any pride stations around them, i do, usually cheaper prices too ~rotfl~

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris, always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.

[doylfish]

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

[2007st3]

Chuck Norris never ran a marathon. (On signs at multiple marathons around the country)

Repost: Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.

[-GWOOD-]

Chuck Norris has never had a Heart attack because even his Heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.

[jmb1983]

:unamused:

[2007st3]

You know you've been roundhoused by Chuck Norris, when you come to in another state with a speeding ticket in your hand.

[jmb1983]

Go away, you filthy spammer!!

[fearnoevo]

There is no such thing as a nuke in c.o.d. Mw2 . The timer is just letting u know chuck Norris is spawning .

[batorr]

Chuck Norris's seman is so concentrated that women have to chew it before they swallow.

[Instanced]

Chuck Norris CAN divide by Zero

Everybody Loves Raymond... Except Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

If you spell "Chuck Norris" in Scrabble you win... Forever

Chuck Norris once beat the land speed record on a childs bike, with no chain or back tire

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can Swim in land.

I have TONS of these because I'm crazy like that (those are my personal favorite)

some others:

Chuck Norris's computer doesn't have any "control" keys because Chuck Norris is ALWAYS in control.

Chuck Norris never answers "knock knock" jokes because he always knows who's there.

[hiprsha666]

Every woman bleeds once a month. Chuck Norris has sex with every woman in the world once a month.

[im_so_blue]

Chuck Norris has the uncanny ability to make any woman orgasm by just simply pointing at her and saying "Booyah"

[02bugeyeoutback]

chuck norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky

[im_so_blue]

heres a combo joke for you guys

One time Chuck Norris and Mr T walked into the same bar at the same time and it exploded because of the sheer awesome combined.

[brian]

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares at them to get the information he needs.
And
Chuck Norris doesn't care if you say UNCLE!

[Shiux]

I bet Chuck Norris loves these jokes. I would.

[HCSTHS43]

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in condoms, because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris

[2007st3]

I bet Chuck Norris loves these jokes. I would.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

[- RACH -]

Chuck Norris doesn't have sperm, only little ninjas.

[javasti2004]

Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

On a trip to Italy, Chuck Norris rested for three seconds against a building....it's now known as the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris made a bet with Hulk, whoever loses an arm wrestling would paint himself of green.

Chuck Norris doesn't lick postage stamps, he stares at them until they wet themselves.

[HCSTHS43]

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage

[Penguinetti]

Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups. He just pushes the earth down.

[kyle06786]

chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad did......
you no how chuk norris kills birds, he throws them off cliffs